Alone with Everyone

Augusta, Georgia. My new home:

Well, I'm alone, I'm just not so sure it's with "everyone" anymore. I've been in Georgia for five days now (I spent the first three at our head coach's house and the last two here at my apartment) and slowly but surely I'm starting to feel a little more at ease here. There's still a lot of financial pressure bearing down on me--pressure I've never felt before, not like this at least--but I'm finally starting to see that there's light at the end of the tunnel. The first couple of days here I felt completely overwhelmed; something I wasn't prepared for. I've never been homesick in my life. I've never struggled with moving to new places. Nothing like that. Never. Until now. It's just a completely different animal. There were (and still are) just so many question marks that I felt consumed with pressure and continually questioned whether I made the right decision in coming here. Ultimately, I think I have and need to understand that this is a brand new chapter in my life. This is uncharted territory. I have to re-create myself. I have to re-create my friends, my support group and the way I'm perceived. I have no history here...which is a blessing as well as a detriment. I have to re-establish the positives I've worked so hard to have associated with myself from back home, but on the other side of the coin, now is as good a time as ever to work on strengthening my weaknesses.

I miss everyone back at Heidelberg very much and never truly appreciated what a large part of my life the team there was to me. I've said it a couple hundred times since I've left, but that WAS my life. That WAS my identity. Some people might think that's sad, and that's fine, but it's something I'm okay with and willing to admit. Moving on is something that comes with the territory that is life, but moving on from the place you've lived the past four and a half years and leaving some of your "go-to" people behind is tough. No one can teach you, or prepare you for what that's like. Lately I've asked Graber for advice since he went through almost the exact situation when he moved to Atlanta a year and a half ago, and he just told me he went to coffee shops and tried to get out and meet people. That, and run. I mean, damn, even when my life feels like it's in shambles, at least the sport I love is still with me. Running is my freedom and my release. It's essentially the reason I'm here, and ironically, it's probably the biggest reason I've kept my sanity since being here. While everything else in my life has seemingly changed drastically, a daily run is something consistent that keeps everything in perspective. I don't have any routes yet. I don't have any attachments to any part of town, or any memories here yet...but that will come with time. Graber met Jillian--who I truly believe he will marry at some point--something like within the first or second week he moved to Georgia. That's a thought that keeps me going. When your life is a mystery, things can get scary, and I'm not afraid to admit that, no matter how gay it might sound. At the same time, when your life is a mystery, you never know what's around the next corner. That's what keeps me going. That thought. That hope.

That, and the many phone calls/e-mails I've received since I've left. I appreciate them more than you can understand right now.

To an end of an era. One I loved and will never forget. And to the beginning of another.